he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
