who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
