Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
