I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
