Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
this just has baby written all over it
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
When are your genitals available?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
