I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
