I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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