party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
