I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
