If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
