last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
