I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
