she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
