My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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