people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
