i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
