either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
