thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
