my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
