So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
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u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
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She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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