either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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