I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
