I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
