there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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