haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
