I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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