I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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