That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
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