He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
