Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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