I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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