Umm I'm too high to move.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
