I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
