What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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