I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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