I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
