You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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