make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
