Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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