I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
