weddingsv make me drug and hornr
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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