the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
