Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
