I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
