Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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