Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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