If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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