I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
