i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
