Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
