Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
