I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
