the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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