tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
