I need to stop coming to work sober
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
