You're my little dorito
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
